I am a perfectionist

I have a lot of conversation with a lot of different people but it always seems to revolve around one thing: the vacuity of my generation and my consequent isolation from it. I love my generation, I love how we are opposed to everything, how we are cynical and how we prefer the easy way out, mainly because we lack vision for the future.

Despite all this love I have no idea how to be a part of my generation; I feel outside of it, like a detatched spectator who is much older and is able to grow a decent amount of facial hair. So I have all the disadvantages of being isolated and distant but no advantages of being able to have a beard. I often go to pubs and just sit there, I try and just listen to conversation but nothing really interests me these days; people mostly just talk about other people anyway, about what Sarah said and- oh my god- what Dave did to Brad for Kate. Somebody occasionally want to talk to me but I mostly exude some terrible smartass, knowitall complex.

A question I like to ask people is: what do you want to be when you grow up? This doesn't get me very far though, in fact, most of the time people's ambitions resort to getting drunk or 'scoring' that night. I confess, on my best nights I cannot be so sure of what I am to do. It is in this way that these people are better people; they are sure, they know and then they act. They make positive decisions (that is, they make decisions to do, I make decisions to not do) and end up in exactly the place they knew they would. What is more is that they all cascade into that place between fits and laughter and being barely able to walk, a druken stupor of alcholism and elation.

I drink to forget usually, forget that I am tormented by an anti- existentialism. I pretend that I am making decisions to become something, striving to a noble and great existence. I think that I am more likely to tie myself off in a knot of confusion and intellectual puzzles. Soren Kierkgaard defeats himself utterly in this regard. He comes to the conclusion that the highest sphere of life is religion, these days religion is relagated (academically speaking) to the reaches of superstition and a lack of resolve or ability to 'do' life. Kierkgaard said that the paradoxes of religion (especially Jesus, the supreme paradox) were to be accepted as a sign of faith and that was a measure of our ability to recognise our inability. Philosophy is a tangle of giving up, we can never really know anything, never know if anything exists or how to act; how then should we act? We are cursed with the knowledge of our uncertainty, yet we must move forward lest we be swallowed by the deluge of progressive society as we stand back and think in a sea of runners.

I hope to be something someday, to make a decision that is not perfect but right.